Moving the discussion from talking about having a threesome to actually planning it is not easy. In fact most conversations do not make it beyond the hypothetical discussion of having a threesome. If it is going to make it beyond this point it will require strong listening skills the ability to compromise (negotiate) and knowing when not to push the idea. This article will examine some opinions on how to move the conversation forward but it will not examine the risks involved in a threesome. Much of your success will depend on your partner and yourself. Even if you can move the conversation to the point of having a threesome there is no guarantee that it will be successful or enjoyable due to the fact every threesome has it inherent risks.

History, time with your partner and your knowledge of them, are major factors in being able to move your discussion forward. You will need to understand your partner in regard to what they like, what upsets them, what words they respond to positively and how receptive you believe they will be in planning a threesome. Using your history together you should get an idea of how long discussing the idea of having a threesome will last, how to plan your conversations and how you can begin to move the conversation forward. If you do not know your partner well or how you can use your history together then it is this author’s recommendation that you take sometime getting to know your partner before having a threesome, not visa-versa.

Another factor in moving the conversation forward is watching and listening to your partner. Your partner is a valuable source of feedback in regard to having a threesome. Their body language, tone of voice, and words will create a ‘message’ if decode correctly will help you plan your next steps. If for example their message seems non-committal they may be looking towards you to make a decision or they struggle with saying no. Likewise if their message seems as though they are not open to the idea then it best not to push forward with moving the conversation towards having a threesome but instead letting the issue die for at least six months. Reason for this it is possible that they are overwhelmed with information which has caused them to shut down to the idea or it maybe that they are completely opposed to the idea. Without giving them time to process the information it may mean you are doing more damage to your relationship than good. Finally if their message seems that they are open to the idea then you need to make sure you understand the message correctly. Even if your partner says ‘yes’ it may be due to the fact they have been pressured into saying yes or they may not be fully aware of what is being asked of them. A quick check of their understanding is what is needed.

Moving from the initial discussion to planning a threesome is fairly easy provided your partner is in agreement with you. Movement should be done with abstract scenarios such as how would like it if… how would you feel if …. Or do you think … is hot. Using what if scenarios and talking about a threesome in very abstract terms (avoiding specifics) can help to move the conversation forward. As you being to try to move the conversation from talking about having a threesome in the initial discussion to moving the conversation to where you discuss issues such as boundaries and activities using your partner’s feedback will determine many things. It will determine what parts of your message are acceptable, what parts are not, and when you are flooding them with too much information. This information should help you tailor your conversations and the amount of time between each of them. Once you are receiving positive feedback from your partner that they are open to having a threesome and the abstract ideas presented are acceptable it is time to introduce more concrete, reality based, discussion. The reality based discussion moves the talk of having a threesome from an abstract idea of it could happen to actually taking steps to plan it.

Author: My First Threesome ™

© 2008

This publication is for non-commercial, private use, by our visitors and members. Any reproduction, in part or in whole, is a violation of our copyright and is subject to legal action. If you would like to use this publication or any other publication found on this website please contact us.

Need to separate sex from emotions

For many people wanting to have a threesome the need to separate sex from emotions is one area that can be easily overlooked. It is important to realize that threesomes are about the enjoyment of the physical act of sex and not emotional involvement that comes with it. If steps are not taken to prevent the becoming emotionally involved with the third person then issues such as affairs, destruction of the relationship, and problems in the relationship can develop quickly. This means couples who are seeking some form of emotional intimacy with the third person, couples who want to be friends first, the desire to be exclusive, or the third person is seeking a married person who is in an open relationship then a threesome is most likely not the answer.

What does this all mean? It means that if you are planning to have a threesome it is realistic to expect that there is not much time from initial contact to having a threesome. Things may move fast in regard to the number of contact made before sex occurs. This is due to the fact that the decision is based on a shared interest, attraction, and is not based so much on an emotional attraction or bond.

Realization that fantasy and reality are not the same

Having a threesome is very different than the fantasy of having a threesome. In a fantasy the person is the director and the producer with the ability to control the actors along with the feelings involved. Unfortunately the reality of a threesome is quite different. There are many feelings that will be experienced and nothing can quite prepare you for the act itself. Furthermore since a threesome involves typically a couple with a third person there are certain aspects that are beyond the control of the participants such as feelings and reactions of others. Granted you can control your feelings and reactions. However you cannot control how others respond to it or predict with a high level of certainty what behaviors other people will displsy. Since feelings other cannot be controlled, reactions are not always predictable, and other unpredictable events can occur (e.g. condom breakage) make threesomes risky.

Online realities

There seems to be an unwritten expectation that people behave online as they do in reality. To a certain extent it is true but people’s behavior can vary from there offline behavior. It is for this reason using online ad sites, forums, and other ways of connecting with people interested in having a threesome carries a certain degree of risk. To begin with for whatever reason the person with whom you are contact may all of a sudden stop responding or become slow to respond. You may agree to meet without them showing up. Even if you are confident that the person you are corresponding with online seems to be a person you would be interested in having a threesome with once you meet them there may be no ‘connection’. Another potential risk is that the person in their profile states they are of legal age (e.g. 18 years old) but the reality is they are under the age of consent. Finally when you do deal with someone online there is always a risk that they may pose a risk to your safety, personal and emotional, and it is therefore prudent that you plan for your safety, such as using an alias, when dealing with people online in regard to having a threesome.

Communication

History and communication are in essence at the core of having a successful threesome for a couple . However for the single person being able to communicate effectively is vital. Communication goes beyond discussing feelings, negotiating, and agreeing. It also includes aspects such checking for understanding, being assertive, and when necessary taking stance on issues that the person feels vital to their well-being. In essences it means letting your feelings be known but trying to work to together in establishing a common ground so that the experience is equally pleasurable for the other participants. Threesomes are about sexual pleasure for all involved and the way that this is accomplished is through communication that ensures that all three members’ feelings are protected.

Decision to have a threesome must be an egalitarian decision

An egalitarian decision means that the decision must be an equal decision made by those involved. By being equal it means that there has not been any type of pressure, coercion, manipulation, or deceit used to get an agreement to have the threesome. It also means that all are able to consent to having a threesome which means no drugs have been used and there has not been excessive drinking. Examples of decisions that are not egalitarian include the belief that by having a threesome it will fix the relationship, by having a threesome it will prevent one of the partners in the relationship from cheating, or that by having a threesome it will make someone happy. Finally any threesome that is done under the threat of violence, use of drugs, use of excessive alcohol, or threats is not decision made by someone’s free will. Each person must of their own free will decide to participate in having a threesome.

Prepare for the unexpected

Threesomes involve complex interactions amongst three individuals in which each individual can only control their reactions. There are so many things that can go wrong in a threesome that it is important that each individual prepares for the unexpected. The more preparation that can be done the less likely that something will go wrong.

Threesome Basics Part 1

Author: My First Threesome ™

© 2008

This publication is for non-commercial, private use, by our visitors and members. Any reproduction, in part or in whole, is a violation of our copyright and is subject to legal action. If you would like to use this publication or any other publication found on this website please contact us.

Introduction

Cuckold by definition is when one partner of couple has sex with someone else with their partner’s knowledge and agreement. Usually it is done by a couple who has had some threesome experience in order to build on their sexual exploration. Furthermore the basics of a cuckold experience follows closely to the basics of having a threesome with a few exceptions. Finally cuckolds can incorporate some ingredients of BDSM such as submission, discipline, humiliation, and domination.

This publication however will only address those ingredients that relate to a threesome experience and this publication addresses some opinions that examine some of the necessary ingredients needed in planning a cuckold experience. As with any threesome experience or BDSM experience there are inherent risks which are assumed by those who are participating in the cuckold experience and this publication only presents opinions which are common to most cuckold experiences.

Knowledge of what to expect

Cuckolds can produce unwanted results such as feelings for the other person, breakdown in communication between the couple , and destruction of the relationship. The above issues and other issues are more likely to occur due to the fact only one member of the couple is involved. Communication becomes crucial if a cuckold is to be managed correctly. Without some previous experience with threesomes or group sex the couple may see the erotic side of a cuckold without knowing the downside.

With that said it is important to be prepared for a plethora of experiences. The range of experiences can be an enjoyment of the sexual act due to less restriction than if you were in a threesome situation, discovering new things about yourself, to experiencing emotional confusion, conflicting emotions, and issues with your current relationship. In addition to the above be prepared for performance anxiety related issues, feelings of being uncertain, and maybe some stress. It is alright if you do go through a variety of feelings and having these feelings present themselves in different ways the main thing it to find an appropriate way to relax such as giving each other a message.

Maintain the primary relationship

Maintaining the primary relationship, the couple ’s relationship who is seeking the cuckold experience, is of the utmost importance as the success of any cuckold is dependent, in this author’s opinion, on how well the primary relationship is maintained and how solid it is. For the couple that has a cuckold it is necessary that they work at maintaining the relationship and find ways to build up the relationship as a cuckold can put a strain on the relationship. Also it can create feelings of insecurity and jealousy thereby putting a strain on the relationship. It is therefore important that the couple keeps on communicating, remain connected and the decision to have a cuckold is a mutual decision made by both members of the couple .

One-off experience or short-term

Ideally a cuckold should be either a one off or short-term experience. Short-term can be classified as being a few times together over a short period of time or a few sporadic times over a long-period of time. The difference, between a cuckold and an open relationship essentially is the fact in a cuckold the amount of contact between the two is short which prevents an emotional bond from being formed. Whereas an open relationship is an ongoing relationship with repeated contact with the same person that results in a secondary relationship is formed. In some respects the difference is academic. Nonetheless it is important to understand the difference due to the amount of work that is needed for both and the need to understand the extent to which a relationship is formed. By understanding the difference the couple can ensure that they make the right choice and ensure that their relationship has in place the correct structure in order to deal with the demands that have been put on it.

Feeling Management

The non participating partner, especially, will have to address issues that may come up. They may feel feelings such as being abandoned, sense of loss, entitlement, or exclusion. If feelings come up in regard to having a cuckold it is important that the couple talks about it and address them before the cuckold happens. Also it is important that the individuals participating in the cuckold are able to separate feelings from sex thereby ensuring that the encounter does not impact on the couple ’s primary relationship.

‘Comfort Zone’

Since each person has distinct and separate roles sharing experiences may not always be possible. Experiences that may impact the relationship need to be shared completely in order to preserve the relationship. Other experiences that do not have an impact on the relationship is subject to interpretation if they need to be shared.

Author: My First Threesome ™

© 2008

This publication is for non-commercial, private use, by our visitors and members. Any reproduction, in part or in whole, is a violation of our copyright and is subject to legal action. If you would like to use this publication or any other publication found on this website please contact us.

What can you do if you are not having success in your search for a threesome?

1. Re-evaluate

If you are finding that you are not finding the type of person or couple that you are wanting to meet for a potential threesome the first step should be review and evaluation of what has been done. By taking time to review what has been and discussed it is possible that something can be modified to meet you situation. For example if you are looking for single males between the ages of 18 – 22 years of age it maybe your age range is too narrow and needs to be expanded. The reason that it may need to be expanded is due to the fact very few people under the age of 25 are into threesomes in your area and by expanding your age range it may increase your likelihood of success. In other cases it may not be as obvious and it may require making small changes, then reviewing them, and making further changes where necessary in order to increase your chance of success.

Re-evaluation in essence is a review process of where the individual or the couple evaluates where they are at in the threesome process and then determine what needs to be changed. Also re-evaluation is a good practice to use at regular intervals to ensure what is being used for a threesome is working and if not what can be done to improve the effort.

Boundaries

Boundaries is something that needs to be re-evaluated from time to time in order to ensure that they are not too restrictive, do not conflict with other boundaries , and have not become outdated. Periodically reviewing boundaries ensures helps to reduce the chance that a misunderstanding will occur about what the actual boundaries are, will keep the current boundaries from being too burdensome, and minimize any potential conflict due to a boundary being violated..

Methods used for searching

In theory there are a lot of different ways an individual can search for a threesome but it does not mean it is a productive way. This becomes especially true for a couple that is searching for the elusive ‘unicorn’, single female. If the current methods that are being used are not yielding the results expected will be worth the time to re-evaluate what is working in the search, what is not working, and attempt to find other ways that may yield better results.

2. Be Open-Minded

Sometimes what you are searching for may be there and you did not even know it. Keeping an open mind and considering possibilities that you did not consider before will help ensure your search stays fresh and is continuously moving towards your goal. A few examples of being open minded may include but is not limited to:

1. Finding a couple who is willing to share the female partner in order to achieve having a fmf threesome.
2. Visiting a swingers club when you have been using online swingers sites to post ads.
3. Visiting different swingers clubs due to not finding the type of person or couple that you are wanting
4. Using an online threesome / swingers site to find a person or couple to join you.

3. Consider Re-negotiating your planned threesome

Having a threesome is based on agreements that can be reached in regards, for example, to the following: boundaries , one-off versus more than one meet, male mfm versus fmf, activities in a threesome, and straight versus bisexual threesome. It may be the combination of what has been agreed is either too restrictive, not the right combination, or may not be acceptable to potential playmates. It may mean the couple will need to re-consider and make where necessary changes to their agreement. Otherwise it may take longer to find a suitable individual for their threesome.

Environmental Factors

This is a generic catch-all category for factors that can have an impact on a threesome but not necessarily a direct impact. Typically this can include issues such as but not limited to:

· Distance willingness to travel or consider people. (e.g. if you live in Olathe, Kansas but will only consider people from the Kansas City area maybe consider people from Topeka, Kansas too).

· Time spent searching for a threesome: In practice the time you search for someone to have a threesome with should be the time that you have free and do not when you have other commitments. This means everything else should take priority in your life and what time you have to yourself should be used for searching for a threesome. So the less time you have available the more time your search is going to take and this is something you need to consider as you plan to have a threesome.

· Cost, the amount of time and money invested. The more you have to invest (e.g. money and time) the greater the cost. In order to have a successful search you need to make it so that the cost + risk do not exceed any benefit that a threesome may provide you. So finding ways to be more cost efficient while maintaining communication, minimizing risk, and relationship stability is important.

4. Consider if there are any relationship issues

Sometimes issues in the relationship can hamper a successful search. Relationship issues can be due to a breakdown in communication especially in regard to a change in desire to have a threesome, major stress, or strain on the relationship for example. It is important that if there are relationship issues that they are immediately addressed, the search is suspended, and the issue is resolved before the search continues.

Where can I find a list of swingers clubs in my area?

NASCA’s website provides a list of affiliated swingers for the US and Canada. There are several sites for the UK and EU like Dirty-David’s that provide links to listings. Most likely if you are in a large metropolitan area there will be at least one nearby.

I am having an affair how do I convince both of them to have a threesome together?

It is probably best that you did not as it can be a very volatile situation and can be quite unpredictable.

Author: My First Threesome ™

© 2008

This publication is for non-commercial, private use, by our visitors and members. Any reproduction, in part or in whole, is a violation of our copyright and is subject to legal action. If you would like to use this publication or any other publication found on this website please contact us.

Introduction

As a couple begins to consider having a threesome a potential person who might be invited is a former boyfriend, former girlfriend, former husband, or former wife sometimes referred to as an ex. At the surface it may seem a logical choice especially if they have expressed a desire to have a threesome while being a couple , or as a couple you did have a threesome together. It is therefore logical to consider a choice especially if with your new partner you are considering having a threesome too. However there are a few generic risks which this article will explore and provide a few opinions on how it can be handled. Furthermore t should be noted that this is not a comprehensive nor an exhaustive list of all the risk involved. A full risk assessment must be done by the couple and those involved due to the fact each threesome has its own unique circumstances and issues that need to be addressed.

Feeling re-developing

Sex is an intimate act in which there is some emotional closeness shared and it is not always easy to separate sex from emotions. The length of the couple was together before ending the relationship, the reason(s) for it ending, and in the case of a dating couple if sex occurred between are factors that can influence such an issue. By inviting a former, ex partner, it is possible by sharing an intimate experience may rekindle feelings for them. This means that the couple who is considering inviting a former partner must acknowledge this as a probable risk.

Conflict

Ending the relationship with one partner and starting a new relationship with someone else is not easy to accept for the former partner and this can be especially if the former partner is invited to have a threesome with them shortly after the break-up. Furthermore conflict between the former couple is likely to be present if the relationship was turbulent or if there was a lot of fighting during the time they were together. Remember the reason for the break-up for the reason and do not think by inviting a former partner to a threesome will ‘mend bridges’. Most likely it will not ‘mend bridges between the two of you’ and it is also possible that the decision to invite a former partner may actually have a negative impact on your current relationship. If as a couple you are set on inviting a former partner then one possible way, in this author’s opinion to mitigate any conflict, is to choose an ex in which the relationship ended at least two years ago and there has been minimal sexual contact.

Communication issues

Threesomes rely on good communication and the ability to discuss anything openly. Couples over time tend to develop their own style of communicating with each other and begin to develop their own language which only each other understands. It may be when you were with your ex you had a similar style or something completely different. In a threesome situation it is important that communication is understood and not to rely on what you expect the former partner to understand. Misunderstandings in this type of situation can have devastating affects. For example important that it is understood by the former partner in unequivocal terms that the threesome is happening not because there is an issue in the relationship but because the couple chose to invite them due to the fact they felt they were a suitable choice. This means that at the end of the threesome the couple will leave together and that the re-establishment of the previous relationship with them in any form is not possible. Also it is important that if a former partner is invited that the current couple ’s boundaries are communicated and the former partner understands them.

Enjoyment

The goal of having a threesome is to provide pleasure for all involved without the emotional complications that result from having a relationship. For the couple it means that there is a chance that they may enjoy themselves with their ex and it may be a very sexually fulfilling experience. In this situation the other member of the couple must realize, cope with, and accept this reality. If there is going to be any risk of emotional damage due to the fact their partner may enjoy their time with the ex then the couple must not go forward with having a threesome.

Risk of Pregnancy and STDS

This is a risk associated with almost all threesomes and needs to be considered especially if the there was practice of using no protection.

Playing alone with an ex

Due to the reasons mentioned in this article along with other which the couple needs to consider allowing a partner to play alone with an ex can be a very risk proposition for the couple that needs to be thoroughly considered.

Conclusion

Inviting a former partner to a threesome carries risks beyond a threesome where a stranger is invited. Such risks includes but is not limited to redeveloping feelings for the former partner and igniting any conflict that lead to the relationship. It is therefore important that any former partner that is considered, in this author’s opinion, is someone where there has been minimal contact with and someone in which the relationship ended at least a few years ago. In this author’s opinion it is better not to invite a former partner than to risk your current relationship.

Author: My First Threesome ™

© 2008

This publication is for non-commercial, private use, by our visitors and members. Any reproduction, in part or in whole, is a violation of our copyright and is subject to legal action. If you would like to use this publication or any other publication found on this website please contact us.

You have talked about wanting to have a threesome, through your discussions you have established your boundaries and have selected the person to join you. Now you are in the process of preparing your threesome and are wondering how to do that. This paper will examine some opinions in regard to preparing your partner and yourself to have a threesome.

To begin with there is no right way or one way to prepare for having a threesome as each individual and couple is unique. There however a few things that couples can do to ensure that they have not overlooked anything. The starting point can happen before selecting the third person and once agreeing to search for a third person the couple needs to agree on how their relationship will function after the threesome has occurred. This means setting up rules, boundaries , regarding how the threesome is to handles. Some common rules couples have in regard to this includes:

• Accepting that it is a mutual decision made equally by both partners
• At no time can the threesome be used against the other
• Provided that the threesome stays within the agreed boundaries that the couple agrees that no cheating has occurred.
• Agreement to talk about the experience, any issues that may come up and any feelings that may come up too.

Having relationship rules ensures that any conflict in the relationship does not revolve around having a threesome and preventing the use of the threesome to drive the couple further apart.

The second area the couple needs to review their boundaries and ensure that each person understands them. This means doing more than just talking about them. It means talking about what is included in the boundaries , what is excluded by the boundaries , working at resolving any misunderstanding and determining if there are any modifications that need to be made. Furthermore it is important to have periodic reviews to ensure nothing has changed and each person’s understanding remains the same. By having boundaries will ensure that the threesome will go smoothly and allow you to focus more on the threesome than worrying.

Third area is ensuring you have a plan for your safety. Safety plan includes a plan for your personal safety, sexual safety, and relationship safety. This review ensures that you have all of your bases are covered, that you have condoms, a back up form of contraception, and there is an agreement about what is planned. Essentially you are communicating about what is planned and ensuring the both of you have the same idea of what will be occurring.

After you have ensured that you have the necessary infrastructure to allow the threesome to happen the next thing you need to prepare yourself for is preparing yourself physically for the threesome. For some couples who are having mfm threesome for example the woman may want to dress sexy by showing off her assets and some couples even consider it a date. Though there is nothing wrong with the idea of a ‘date’ meeting the third person does vary a lot from having a typical date. The male wants to dress smart and sharp. He is trying to impress, pursue, and essentially seduce the woman. Appearance and neatness in most cases will go along way in accomplishing this task.

Finally to prepare yourself you need to think about your emotions. One way to prepare yourself emotionally is to have a signal to signal ‘yes’ to have a threesome, ‘no’ to have a threesome, and ‘maybe’ other signals to ensure communicate other ideas. Purpose of having signals is not to be obvious about your decision and to prevent confusing a statement. Having a signal will can clarify any confusing statement especially about moving the threesome forward or ending it. Another aspect in regard for preparing to have a threesome is accepting what is going to be occurring. In a threesome one or both of you will be having sex in front of your partner with another person. At the beginning of the process the idea seemed erotic and probably made you horny. Now, the reality is setting in and it is quite possible that a variety of different emotions are being felt. It is important that the two of you talk through any feelings, concerns, or issues that come up. The last thing either one of you want is feeling uncertain, being hesitant about the idea, and the two of you need to feel sure about your decision. Finally aspect about emotional protection is if a major life event has happened then it is important that the threesome is delayed. A major life event is any event that influences how you feel or adds an increase amount of stress that is expected to last for a period of time. An example of a major life event would be a death of a family member or loss of a job. Whereas a deadline is moved up for job is not a major life-event. Reason being is the impact of the event may have an adverse impact on the threesome and may impact your feelings especially in regard to the third person.

In conclusion each couple needs to find a process for preparing themselves for a threesome. Preparation may include reviewing what is planned, talking about boundaries , and doing things to enhance the experience. Also the couple should take time to review any signals that they have and ensure there is nothing that can impact them emotionally. Taking time to prepare for a threesome may make the difference between enjoying a successful threesome and one that winds up in disaster.

Author: My First Threesome ™

© 2008

This publication is for non-commercial, private use, by our visitors and members. Any reproduction, in part or in whole, is a violation of our copyright and is subject to legal action. If you would like to use this publication or any other publication found on this website please contact us.

This is posting will examine the question will a threesome ruin my relationship? It will examine opinions regarding some of the relationship factors that may influence the success of a threesome and then provide a conclusion of the issues discussed. Furthermore answering such a question is not easy as there are many factors to be considered including those that maybe unknown to the couple . It is up to the couple based on their history together, their reasons for choosing to have a threesome, and their risks that will ultimately influence their answer to this question. Therefore this guide can provide a generic opinion in order to help in the determination but the ultimate determination lies solely with the couple .

The starting point for this author is the couple ’s time together. Time together shows the commitment that each other has to one another along with showing the emotional investment that each member has made to the relationship. Generally speaking a couple that has been together less than a year is more likely to be susceptible to a threesome goes bad due to lack of time and investment each member has made to the relationship. In many cases if a threesome goes wrong with a fairly new couple it would be easy for each of them to end their relationship and find a new partner. However for a couple that has been together for twenty plus years the investment into the relationship is great and they are more likely, generally speaking, to work through a bad threesome than a new relationship.

Next point for consideration is status of relationship: married, committed, dating, or friends. To a certain extent this point is dependent on the country of residence and the culture. For example in the United States marriage is held in high esteem and it is more likely that there will be a difference in commitment between a married couple and a couple not married. In the UK for example where couples living together tend to be treated as married and it would be expected that the difference in commitment may be less. Moving on, married couples are most likely to stay together due to their commitment and the legal process that is involved in serving the relationship. A married couple are probably the most likely group to work through a threesome than any other group. Couples that are committed, living together but not married, also have the investment into their relationship. However their communication is not always as strong as a married couple and they do not necessarily have to go through a legal process to severe their relationship. This means that there is less motivation to influence them to keep together in the event the couple suffers the ill effects of a threesome which has gone bad. Dating couples should, in this author’s opinion, avoid having a threesome due to the lack of investment and the lack of communication that exists in their relationship. Finally friends that have a threesome together should if at all possible avoid a threesome for the same reasons as a dating couple and they should also avoid a threesome due to their friendship may end due to the threesome. With this said relationship status can have an impact on the success or failure of a threesome.

Third factor that can influence a couple ’s threesome is their childhood background and their personal beliefs. Messages received as a child that have been reinforced growing up can have a powerful effect on the individual. An individual may find that they are open to the idea of having a threesome but struggle with the implications of having a threesome. Such implications may include the realization that they are having sex with someone else, that they have allowed someone else into their relationship, or that afterwards there is a conflict between their enjoyments of the threesome versus their belief system. In any event working to resolve their belief in connection with having a threesome is paramount for any success.

Fourth factor involves ‘environmental’ issues. Environmental issue is a generic term to represent secondary factors which can influence the threesome. Typically these include issues such as selecting the person, where it happens, relationship issues, boundaries , safe-sex practices, and safety. All of these can influence the enjoyment of the threesome and can have impact on the threesome’s success. Therefore it is important that these issues are identified and are considered as important as any other issue.

What does this all mean for the couple or individual who wants to have a threesome? It means communication, environmental issues, the status of the relationship and relationship stability must be considered when deciding if a threesome will ruin the relationship. It also means that a couple that is dating and those who share a friendship are likely to loose their relationship if the threesome does not produce the results that were expected.

In order to answer the question will a threesome ruin my relationship the answer depends on several factors that the couple must consider, they must also assess the impact of the factors, and find ways to minimize the risks if they are to prevent any adverse effect from having a threesome. Without considering all factors it is possible that a threesome can ruin a relationship but it is possible that by having a threesome a couple can has a successful threesome without any ill effects. The difference most likely being, in this author’s opinion the time invested in planning, communication, and the couple ’s desire to have a threesome.

Author: My First Threesome ™

© 2008

This publication is for non-commercial, private use, by our visitors and members. Any reproduction, in part or in whole, is a violation of our copyright and is subject to legal action. If you would like to use this publication or any other publication found on this website please contact us.

Introduction

Even with the best planning threesomes can bring up issues in the relationship, allow an affair to happen, create emotional reactions that were not expected, and adversely impact the relationship to the extent that the relationship ends. This means a well planned and thought out threesome will address many of the issues including minimizing many of the risks but a well planned threesome cannot completely eliminate all of the risks. This publication will present opinions as to why a threesome can go bad and briefly explore some opinions as how taking some proactive steps might minimize this chance. Finally this article is not meant to provide an exhaustive list of what can go wrong in a threesome and how to solve them. Instead this publication is meant to highlight three potential issues as to why a threesome can go wrong, allow the reader to decide if any of these are applicable to their situation, allow the reader to decide how to tailor the information to their situation, and provide opinions in regard to those issues.

Bringing up issues in a relationship

There are two schools of thoughts regarding threesomes. One school of thought says threesomes create problems in the relationship because it is cheating and nothing good comes from cheating. The other school, which this author feels is the correct thought, is that threesomes themselves do not create problems in the relationship. Instead they bring up underlying issues in the relationship that the couple may have had the time to address in their own way had the threesome not occurred and a threesome can accelerate any problem by making any problem worse. How does this happen? In this author’s opinion a part of this reason is due to the fact that threesomes can elicit a variety of emotions that it is difficult for the couple who are just starting to know exactly what to expect. This can result in issues in the relationship being brought forward such issues can include issues of power in the relationship, communication, and lack of trust for example. In order to highlight an example of communication in a threesome situation this author will use a fictitious threesome situation using Alan, Mary Ann, and Maxwell to highlight the issue. An issue of communication in a threesome might present itself whereby during the initial discussions of a threesome Mary Ann wanted to say no to the idea but was afraid of Alan’s reaction had she said no. So instead of advocating her position she chose to go a head with the threesome and during the time they started to screen potential third persons Mary Ann kept secret some of her contact that she had with the third person, Maxwell. The threesome goes fine but Mary Ann begins to have an affair with Maxwell and without Alan’s knowledge. After the affair is discovered Mary Ann states to Alan’s she felt that Alan’s had to power in the relationship whereby he would get anything he wanted due to the fact he would not listen to her feelings.

How could have the above situation been prevented? There is no certain way of knowing but a possible solution in this author’s opinion is the establishment of boundaries including how communication with the third person would be handled and allowing Mary Ann to exercise her right to say no to the situation. Another solution may have been talking about the threesome before it happened in order to discuss any feelings and afterwards to resolve any outstanding feelings that may have been left by having it.

Affair

An affair for this publication means sexual activity between the third person and one member of the couple happens without a partner’s knowledge and without the partner’s consent. It results from the third person exceeding the boundaries and enticing one of the partners to continue the relationship without their partner. A part of this can be due to the fact that the couple may have misled the third person in regard to their relationship and may have left the invited third person to believe that they are there to fill a void that is missing in the relationship. Another reason can be due to the fact the invited third person saw a vulnerability in the relationship, they successfully exploited it by playing on the concerns of the individual when they were left alone with them, or an emotional bond developed which was overlooked for example. These situation and others can lead to an affair developing and causing the couple ’s relationship to be damaged and potentially damaged to the point the relationship does not recover.

Is there anything that can be done in order to mitigate this possibility? In this author’s opinion there is potentially a few things that can be tried but there are no guarantees of success. First the couple needs to have good communication, the ability to talk to each other about any subjects, and the couple needs to be comfortable with each other to the point they can discuss subjects that can be quite uncomfortable for them to discuss. This means talking about an attraction that is developing and the need to stop the threesome with the invited third person.

Second point the couple needs to have robust boundaries that work for them and these boundaries need to be communicated to the third person. As a part of the communication process in regard to boundaries the couple needs to communicate that the third person is not being invited to fill a void in the relationship and that once the threesome is over they will be leaving as a couple . Final part of the communication process needs to include what is the role of the third person in the threesome. Is it to be a voyeur (to watch)? Is it to participate but not have intercourse (soft-swinging)? Maybe there are there to have sex but is there limitations to their participation (e.g. going first, vaginal sex only, etc).

Third point the couple needs to consider is this a one-off situation with no contact afterwards? The advantage of a one off situation is that it allows for a higher degree of protecting the relationship and minimizes the chance that feelings would develop. However it means for the couple that they need to be looking for someone else right away and the threesome might not be as enjoyable.

Final point if the couple is considering make this more than a one time event then the couple should explore the possibility of networking, building a circle of friends, and avoid being exclusive with one person. Thereby limiting the influence of one person, decreasing the risk that feelings could develop, and the couple would then protect their relationship.

Creating emotional reactions that were not expected

Well before the threesome happens the mere thought of it can elicit emotional reactions that were not expected. The emotions can range from insecurity, fear, to anger, or even an escalation in the amount of conflict that exists in the couple ’s relationship. This experience can also happen to the single person who is looking for a threesome. Much of this, in this author’s opinion, has to do with the fact that as the threesome approaches the fantasy of having a threesome is replaced with the reality of having it. It also has to do with the fact nothing prepares for seeing the sexual act and the potential emotions that can follow after the threesome ends. In essence the whole threesome process can elicit feelings that were not expected.

Is there anything that can be done to manage the reaction? In this author’s opinion there a few things that might work but there are no guarantees. The starting points understand yourself, understand your partner, and understand how the relationship works. If you can begin to understand this then you can begin to predict reactions and how best to minimize them. Best way in this author’s opinion is to talk through what if scenarios, discuss feelings as they happen, and do not be afraid to talk about anything that comes up no matter how irrelevant it may seem. By talking, communicating, a couple is taking positive steps to prevent an emotional reaction from ruining their relationship.

Adversely impacting the relationship to the point it ends

Does this author believe that a threesome will destroy a relationship? No but what this author believes that a threesome can reflect what is going on in the relationship and it maybe the result of an ongoing struggle that is occurring in the relationship. By having a threesome the couple thought that it may improve their relationship or they were looking for a way to end their relationship without being direct about it.

What can be done to minimize this from happening? In this author’s opinion a couple that has a strong relationship with a good infrastructure and good communication skills where they are able to talk about anything is a good start. It does not mean that they will not have issues that result from having a threesome but they do, in this author’s opinion, posses the need skills to work through any issues that come up. Another possibility in this author’s opinion do not use a threesome as a way to fix a struggling relationship, to keep your partner from cheating, or use it away to threaten a relationship ending if a threesome happens for example. These tactics only lead to further problems in the future. Finally timing of a threesome can have an impact a couple that just met, are going through a major life event, or struggle with communication to name just a few.

Conclusion

As this publication demonstrates there are a variety of reasons as to why a threesome can have an adverse impact. A part of the reason may be there is not enough communication, boundaries are not developed, not enough safeguards in place, or their reasons for wanting to have a threesome may have laid the foundation for further issues. Whilst this publication is not meant to provide a thesis on how to solve the issues that may result from having a threesome it is hoped that this publication has identified some areas that a couple needs to consider. Whatever the reason it is important to note that a good relationship and good communication are essential to have a good threesome, in this author’s opinion.

Author: My First Threesome ™

© 2008

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